How I View Myself

2024-03-07 | Feeling awesome with just myself

T, [Mar 7, 2024 at 2:39:20 PM]:
i had social anxiety but they're mostly gone now, even i myself am amazed.

i feel awesome and can do anything

i never thought i could be this happy just by myself (i never thought i could do this 6 months ago)

i think it's mostly due to extremely positive interactions with many people

and I think putting the emotions into words and invalidating what might be the causes of it many years ago helped

and R's `as adults we` ...  

I don't believe him 100%, and I still don't, but I see how it makes a lot of sense, and it helped

I'm lucky and blessed in many ways, indeed.

2024-02-26 | I was so incredible dumb

Looking back on what I did and the mistakes I made repeatedly, I feel I was so incredible dumb.

2024-02-01 | Feeling good about my human connections

might be a feel good post. could be used to remind myself when I'm not doing as good.

T, [Feb 1, 2024 at 9:01:56 PM]: how i view myself

i am a smart person that did a lot of dumb things, and will continue to do a lot of dumb things

i may not be as bad (selfish) as i think i am, and i'm better in many ways (observant) than sometimes my emotions made me believe. i can connect to anyone and establish meaningful connections if i'm in the mood, that's kinda one of my superpowers

i could be better and i'm working on just that. i'm grateful for me when i dragged myself just a little bit outside my comfort zone to regain lost (buried) skills or learn new ones. i'm proud of myself when i take chances or take initiatives. i love that i know so much about so many things, even though it's just at surface level for most. i like that i'm curious, and i don't want to lose that ever. and i'm grateful for the kindness and love received, from other people and from myself.

sometimes i feel i'm so fucked up, but no, all $THESE_THINGS all prove that you're getting better, and you haven't lost what makes you you.

i should not feel shameful. think 432 from squid games. i can be like him, but less narcissistic.

i am lucky. i have no known degenerative diseases. i can do great if i'm more audacious.

2024-02-09 | I was such an ass

I pride myself for my ability to sympathize with people, and I only realized that I often failed to use the ability for the good when interacting with people close to me.

I know I care about them much more than I care about everyone else, but sometimes I can be too used to receiving love and care without giving them back properly with my words and actions, and sometimes I think I was too concerned about saving my own ass and the fear of loss got the best of me.

So something happened and it was partly my fault. We were both problem solvers and we started searching for solutions immediately. I didn't say I was sorry that that happened, because I was scared - bringing it up may trigger reactions, but I should.

I imagined how scary it must be for her, but I didn't allow myself to be in her place to experience it more fully. If I did that I'd do more to help. I wasn't really being helpful.