Why We Want to Change Our Partners but Failed to Change Ourselves

I'm writing this because I went to the University Theatre's script reading for the show Ex-Boyfriends. They did great, all very into their characters, and I love the unexpected elements and story lines.

So in the show one thing most of Maya's exes had in common is that they want to change her (lose weight, work out, go to church), they all failed, which is to be expected.

How I tried to change my partner

And that was one of the reasons why I failed too, unsurprisingly. My friend K told me that I shouldn't try to control my partner. She's the expert on relationships and communication. She told me after I got dumped, I wish I knew that earlier.

Yes, we can't control other people, but we can communicate and find a way that works for both of us. Unsurprisingly, I was extremely bad at the latter too.

Delivery of message makes a huge difference

What the old me would say

I used to think that complete honesty & openness makes communication and relationship work, but the delivery of the messages, our needs and wants, is actually quite delicate, and makes a huge difference.

Using myself as an example, the scenario is that I felt I wasn't getting the kind of attention I wanted, and here's how I would say before:

why didn't you check you phone all day?

or: you went to xxx (some involved activity that requires continuous attention for ~8 hours) again?

i really miss you and hope you're here

hey

hey

$SOME_RANDOM_TWEET / YT link / reddit link that I found interesting

and how did that help? not at all.

• the 1st one was an accusation using rhetorical question. i was asking why but i already knew what she was doing, just wished that she gave me more attention.
• 2nd one: expressing my upset?
• 3rd one: telling her how much i miss her, trying to soften things up, because i just made some accusations. and maybe guilt her a bit? no, i'm not that manipulative, i just wanted to let her know my feelings.
• hey: this was my classic go-to message for online chat, which says nothing and might be annoying depending on the relationship status and her mood
• random links: didn't work for her because it wasn't really something she was interested in.

What if I use Nonviolent Communication?

and here's how I'd approach it now:

If I want her to change a bit and me lowering my expectations:

1. Observation: "I've noticed that you've been occupied with activities like xxx and haven't been checking your phone much during the day."
2. Feeling: "When I see this, I feel a bit neglected and lonely."
3. Need: "I realize that I have a need for more connection and interaction with you throughout the day."
4. Request: "Would you be willing to have a brief check-in call during your breaks, or perhaps send a message or two when you can? It would really help me feel more connected with you."

Using this Nonviolent Communication technique everyone's talking about, accusations are cleverly avoided, and I would be more open to work with the partner if I was on the receiving side.

Or should I just accept this and swallow it up on my own and not talk to her about it? No I don't think that's healthy for me or the relationship.

I felt like I had this need partially because of my own issues, and maybe I should try to deal with it.

Can people change? Why would they change?

That leads us to the 2nd topic of this post: why do we failed to change?

Or maybe people just can't change?

From my own experience, people only change when it's what they want, or because failing to change would make them lose (cost them something they really value).

Example 1

(they really want to change, real story)

Long time smoker who loves his family and his little daughter, cares for their health, but not enough for him to quit smoking. I guess withdrawal symptoms are real, even it's just cigarettes.

He finally quitted because the fear for nasty diseases associated with smoking outweighs how the pleasure of it. I guess this example can be put under the loss avoidance label too.

Example 2

(bad estimation of risks of loss, underestimates the fear, causing failure to change)

It was me again. I promised to change, but then everything seemed to be going okay, and change wasn't high on my priority list (and it requires investigation and research before i could get started), so i just took things for granted and never changed in meaningful ways, until i lost. And only after that did I notice actual change of myself, and it took TIME.

Ending quote

I'm watching the classic House M.D. recently and one of the relevant quotes from many of its brilliant ones is:

Partners don't change. At least not in meaningful ways. -- A patient's wife who donated half her liver to her wife, knowing she was gonna leave her.

Well that's certainly not true, it just takes more effort than most people would be willing to make.