Do the Scary Things

I'm very proud of myself.

I know that sometimes I'm too tense and treat conversations as information exchanges and I'm not myself, and it sucks.

Many times I want to enjoying no human interaction at events because I assumed everyone was so boring.

Sometimes I want to talk to people because I noticed interesting things about them, but was scared because I don't want to come across as awkward.

Many years ago chronic pain changed the way I walk, I had to drag my foot and do other stuff to lessen the pain. I was very self concious and felt awkward and sad. Before that I was a completely different person.

Some of the habits and mindset stuck with me after all these years, and I think they did limit what I could do with my life a lot, being so far away from exploring what I could do, despite meeting great people and forming deep relationships.

I think a lot of that was because of the circumstances allowed these to happen, allow people to get to know me for who I am beyond the surface level.

I'm grateful for that, but I'd like to take things in my own hands, and create opportunities for good things to happen.

The breakup hit me very hard. We were fused and I was very attached, and you can't imagine what it was like for me.

One thing I did shortly after 9/26 (somethings else) was to do different things, go to all kinds of events, be more engaged. And I watched a lot of videos talking about how the childhood fucked me up. And I went to therapy because it was too much for me to handle.

I did that and had fun, yeah, but I felt like I was still that socially awkward me, and I hated that.

Going on AISB was also among the list of things I wanted to try / do, introducing variables into my life, in an attempt to steer it in a more positive way.

One of my friend joked about that we were paying out of our pocket to go some where so far away to pick up trash, but that week the mountains was definitely the best one for me in a long time.

AISB created lots of opportunities to hang out with the same group of people, and I made great friends.

Some of them actually admire me.

I went ball room dancing despite not knowing how to move my body because I wanted to try it and have some fun.

Always being the only non-native speaker and non-white person at all kinds of events had desensitized me a bit and allowed me to be more chill. Actually they were never the issues if I didn't enjoy myself at events.

I always have the tendency to break out of the norm and the mediocracy. Doing things that I'm not 100% comfortable with is what makes me feel alive and I can say to myself I did something great today at night.

Recently I was reading a book that got really deep into how we (us humans) operate and interact with each other.

How I found the book: I was watching a lot of videos from a YT channel with only 1.5k followers, and I looked through the linked website and this book was recommended. The title is kinda cheaky and misleading so I won't put it here.

10 pages into the book and I knew it's gonna change my life, if I allow it.

And I'm noticing changes. I try to find people to talk to wherever I go, as suggested by the book. And til today, I've actually talked to them for a few times.

When I was watching Good Actors, the person sitting next to me was a poet, which I'd never know if I did not initiate the conversation (I really suck(ed) at that).

I was able to dig deeper from initial small talk, and we both showed high interest in the conversation.

Here's what I got from our interaction:

• She recommended a book store in downtown (I've only been to Barnes and Nobles since I came to Raleigh, because there's no book store scenes here, unlike SF / Asheville)
• I got invited to events
• I now know an interesting way to introduce what I do: I have a personal blog where I write things, sometimes I like to be more creative and make something like poems.
  (What a fancy way to say it! I never thought of this when I first started the blog.)
  (And she would remember me as an interesting person, who's into theatre stuff, poems, and as someone who writes.)

And I'm proud of myself.